第40章

[The Ghost and the Blind Children.]

Ghosts are in the air.It is difficult at this moment to avoid talking of ghosts.The first question you are asked on being introduced this season is:

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

I would be so glad to believe in ghosts.This world is much too small for me.Up to a century or two ago the intellectual young man found it sufficient for his purposes.It still contained the unknown--the possible--within its boundaries.New continents were still to be discovered: we dreamt of giants, Liliputians, desert-fenced Utopias.We set our sail, and Wonderland lay ever just beyond our horizon.To-day the world is small, the light railway runs through the desert, the coasting steamer calls at the Islands of the Blessed, the last mystery has been unveiled, the fairies are dead, the talking birds are silent.Our baffled curiosity turns for relief outwards.We call upon the dead to rescue us from our monotony.The first authentic ghost will be welcomed as the saviour of humanity.

But he must be a living ghost--a ghost we can respect, a ghost we can listen to.The poor spiritless addle-headed ghost that has hitherto haunted our blue chambers is of no use to us.I remember a thoughtful man once remarking during argument that if he believed in ghosts--the silly, childish spooks about which we had been telling anecdotes--death would possess for him an added fear: the idea that his next dwelling-place would be among such a pack of dismal idiots would sadden his departing hours.What was he to talk to them about?

Apparently their only interest lay in recalling their earthly troubles.The ghost of the lady unhappily married who had been poisoned, or had her throat cut, who every night for the last five hundred years had visited the chamber where it happened for no other purpose than to scream about it! what a tiresome person she would be to meet! All her conversation during the long days would be around her earthly wrongs.The other ghosts, in all probability, would have heard about that husband of hers, what he said, and what he did, till they were sick of the subject.A newcomer would be seized upon with avidity.

A lady of repute writes to a magazine that she once occupied for a season a wainscotted room in an old manor house.On several occasions she awoke in the night: each time to witness the same ghostly performance.Four gentlemen sat round a table playing cards.

Suddenly one of them sprang to his feet and plunged a dagger into the back of his partner.The lady does not say so: one presumes it was his partner.I have, myself, when playing bridge, seen an expression on my partner's face that said quite plainly:

"I would like to murder you."

I have not the memory for bridge.I forget who it was that, last trick but seven, played the two of clubs.I thought it was he, my partner.I thought it meant that I was to take an early opportunity of forcing trumps.I don't know why I thought so, I try to explain why I thought so.It sounds a silly argument even to myself; I feel I have not got it quite right.Added to which it was not my partner who played the two of clubs, it was Dummy.If I had only remembered this, and had concluded from it--as I ought to have done--that my partner had the ace of diamonds--as otherwise why did he pass my knave?--we might have saved the odd trick.I have not the head for bridge.It is only an ordinary head--mine.I have no business to play bridge.

[Why not, occasionally, a cheerful Ghost.]

But to return to our ghosts.These four gentlemen must now and again, during their earthly existence, have sat down to a merry game of cards.There must have been evenings when nobody was stabbed.

Why choose an unpleasant occasion to harp exclusively upon it? Why do ghosts never give a cheerful show? The lady who was poisoned!

there must have been other evenings in her life.Why does she not show us "The first meeting": when he gave her the violets and said they were like her eyes? He wasn't always poisoning her.There must have been a period before he ever thought of poisoning her.Cannot these ghosts do something occasionally in what is termed "the lighter vein"? If they haunt a forest glade, it is to perform a duel to the death, or an assassination.Why cannot they, for a change, give us an old-time picnic, or "The hawking party," which, in Elizabethan costume, should make a pretty picture? Ghostland would appear to be obsessed by the spirit of the Scandinavian drama: murders, suicides, ruined fortunes, and broken hearts are the only material made use of.

Why is not a dead humorist allowed now and then to write the sketch?

There must be plenty of dead comic lovers; why are they never allowed to give a performance?

[Where are the dead Humorists?]

A cheerful person contemplates death with alarm.What is he to do in this land of ghosts? there is no place for him.Imagine the commonplace liver of a humdrum existence being received into ghostland.He enters nervous, shy, feeling again the new boy at school.The old ghosts gather round him.

"How do you come here--murdered?"

"No, at least, I don't think so."

"Suicide?

"No--can't remember the name of it now.Began with a chill on the liver, I think."The ghosts are disappointed.But a happy suggestion is made.

Perhaps he was the murderer; that would be even better.Let him think carefully; can he recollect ever having committed a murder? He racks his brains in vain, not a single murder comes to his recollection.He never forged a will.Doesn't even know where anything is hid.Of what use will he be in ghostland? One pictures him passing the centuries among a moody crowd of uninteresting mediocrities, brooding perpetually over their wasted lives.Only the ghosts of ladies and gentlemen mixed up in crime have any "show" in ghostland.

[The Spirit does not shine as a Conversationalist.]