第23章

About two years ago I arrove in Oberlin, Ohio.Oberlin is whare the celebrated college is.In fack, Oberlin IS the college, everything else in that air vicinity resolvin around excloosivly for the benefit of that institution.It is a very good college, too, & a grate many wurthy yung men go there annooally to git intelleck into 'em.But its my onbiassed 'pinion that they go it rather too strong on Ethiopians at Oberlin.But that's nun of my bisniss.I'm into the Show bizness.Yit as a faithful historan I must menshun the fack that on rainy dase white peple can't find their way threw the streets without the gas is lit, there bein such a numerosity of cullerd pussons in the town.

As I was sayin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called on Perfesser Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Kolonial Hall to exhibit my wax works and beests of Pray into.Kolonial Hall is in the college and is used by the stujents to speak peaces and read essays into.

Sez Perfesser Peck, "Mister Ward, I don't know 'bout this bizniss.What are your sentiments?"Sez I, "I hain't got any."

"Good God!" cried the Perfesser, "did I understan you to say you hav no sentiments!""Nary a sentiment!" sez I.

"Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three million and a half of your culled brethren air a clankin their chains in the South?"Sez I, "Not a bile! Let 'em clank!"

He was about to continner his flowry speech when I put a stopper on him.Sez I, "Perfesser Peck, A.Ward is my name &Americky is my nashun; I'm allers the same, tho' humble is my station, and I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years.

The pint is, can I hav your Hall by payin a fair price? You air full of sentiments.That's your lay, while I'm a exhibiter of startlin curiosities.What d'ye say?""Mister Ward, you air endowed with a hily practical mind, and while I deeply regret that you air devoid of sentiments I'll let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral &elevatin nater."

Sez I, "Tain't nothin shorter."

So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nite with stujents, &c.Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at my Kangaroo, but when that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip him, the Perfesser objected."Suffer not your angry pashums to rise up at the poor annimil's little excentrissities," said the Perfesser.

"Do you call such conduck as THOSE a little excentrissity?" Iaxed.

"I do," sed he; sayin which he walked up to the cage and sez he, "let's try moral swashun upon the poor creeter." So he put his hand upon the Kangeroo's hed and sed, "poor little fellow--poor little fellow--your master is very crooil, isn't he, my untootered frend," when the Kangaroo, with a terrific yell, grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum very near chawin it orf.It was amoozin to see the Perfesser jump up and scream with pane.Sez I, "that's one of the poor little fellow's excentrissities!"Sez he, "Mister Ward, that's a dangerous quadruped.He's totally depraved.I will retire and do my lasserated hand up in a rag, and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery and severe punishment to the vishus beest," I hosswhipt the little cuss for upwards of 15 minutes.Guess I licked sum of his excentrissity out of him.

Oberlin is a grate plase.The College opens with a prayer and then the New York Tribune is read.A kolleckshun is then taken up to buy overkoats with red horn buttons onto them for the indignant cullured people of Kanady.I have to contribit librally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear.I'm kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seets in my show for the cullered peple.At the Boardin House the cullered peple sit at the first table.What they leeve is maid into hash for the white peple.As I don't like the idee of eatin my vittles with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, and the konsequence is I've devowered so much hash that my inards is in a hily mixt up condishun.Fish bones hav maid their appearance all over my boddy and pertater peelins air a springin up through my hair.Howsever I don't mind it.I'm gittin along well in a pecunery pint of view.The College has konfired upon me the honery title of T.K., of which I'm suffishuntly prowd.

1.11.THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP.

Thare was many affectin ties which made me hanker arter Betsy Jane.Her father's farm jined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in their forreds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meetin house, and the nabers used to obsarve, "How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers.

Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns, Idarsunt tell her of the fires which was rajin in my manly Buzzum.I'd try to do it but my tung would kerwollup up agin the roof of my mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast Afrikan or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat Flale agin a barn floor.

'Twas a carm still nite in Joon.All nater was husht and nary a zeffer disturbed the sereen silens.I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of her farther's pastur.We'd bin rompin threw the woods, kullin flours & drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long sticks.Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted, and lookin very simple, I make no doubt.My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was woundid luvinly round her waste.