第120章

"From Tchermashnya, too...you could be sent for," Smerdyakov muttered, almost in a whisper, looking disconcerted, but gazing intently into Ivan's eyes.

"Only Moscow is farther and Tchermashnya is nearer.Is it to save my spending money on the fare, or to save my going so far out of my way, that you insist on Tchermashnya?""Precisely so..." muttered Smerdyakov, with a breaking voice.He looked at Ivan with a revolting smile, and again made ready to draw back.But to his astonishment Ivan broke into a laugh, and went through the gate still laughing.Anyone who had seen his face at that moment would have known that he was not laughing from lightness of heart, and he could not have explained himself what he was feeling at that instant.He moved and walked as though in a nervous frenzy.

Chapter 7

"It's Always Worth While Speaking to a Clever Man"AND in the same nervous frenzy, too, he spoke.Meeting Fyodor Pavlovitch in the drawing-room directly he went in, he shouted to him, waving his hands, "I am going upstairs to my room, not in to you.

Good-bye!" and passed by, trying not even to look at his father.

Very possibly the old man was too hateful to him at that moment; but such an unceremonious display of hostility was a surprise even to Fyodor Pavlovitch.And the old man evidently wanted to tell him something at once and had come to meet him in the drawing-room on purpose.Receiving this amiable greeting, he stood still in silence and with an ironical air watched his son going upstairs, till he passed out of sight.

"What's the matter with him?" he promptly asked Smerdyakov, who had followed Ivan.

"Angry about something.Who can tell?" the valet muttered evasively.

"Confound him! Let him be angry then.Bring in the samovar, and get along with you.Look sharp! No news?"Then followed a series of questions such as Smerdyakov had just complained of to Ivan, all relating to his expected visitor, and these questions we will omit.Half an hour later the house was locked, and the crazy old man was wandering along through the rooms in excited expectation of hearing every minute the five knocks agreed upon.Now and then he peered out into the darkness, seeing nothing.

It was very late, but Ivan was still awake and reflecting.He sat up late that night, till two o'clock.But we will not give an account of his thoughts, and this is not the place to look into that soul- its turn will come.And even if one tried, it would be very hard to give an account of them, for there were no thoughts in his brain, but something very vague, and, above all, intense excitement.He felt himself that he had lost his bearings.He was fretted, too, by all sorts of strange and almost surprising desires; for instance, after midnight he suddenly had an intense irresistible inclination to go down, open the door, go to the lodge and beat Smerdyakov.But if he had been asked why, he could not have given any exact reason, except perhaps that he loathed the valet as one who had insulted him more gravely than anyone in the world.On the other hand, he was more than once that night overcome by a sort of inexplicable humiliating terror, which he felt positively paralysed his physical powers.His head ached and he was giddy.A feeling of hatred was rankling in his heart, as though he meant to avenge himself on someone.He even hated Alyosha, recalling the conversation he had just had with him.At moments he hated himself intensely.Of Katerina Ivanovna he almost forgot to think, and wondered greatly at this afterwards, especially as he remembered perfectly that when he had protested so valiantly to Katerina Ivanovna that he would go away next day to Moscow, something had whispered in his heart, "That's nonsense, you are not going, and it won't be so easy to tear yourself away as you are boasting now."Remembering that night long afterwards, Ivan recalled with peculiar repulsion how he had suddenly got up from the sofa and had stealthily, as though he were afraid of being watched, opened the door, gone out on the staircase and listened to Fyodor Pavlovitch stirring down below, had listened a long while- some five minutes-with a sort of strange curiosity, holding his breath while his heart throbbed.And why he had done all this, why he was listening, he could not have said.That "action" all his life afterwards he called "infamous," and at the bottom of his heart, he thought of it as the basest action of his life.For Fyodor Pavlovitch himself he felt no hatred at that moment, but was simply intensely curious to know how he was walking down there below and what he must be doing now.He wondered and imagined how he must be peeping out of the dark windows and stopping in the middle of the room, listening, listening- for someone to knock.Ivan went out on the stairs twice to listen like this.