第18章

"I earnestly beg you, too, not to disturb yourself, and not to be uneasy," the elder said impressively."Do not trouble.Make yourself quite at home.And, above all, do not be so ashamed of yourself, for that is at the root of it all.""Quite at home? To be my natural self? Oh, that is much too much, but I accept it with grateful joy.Do you know, blessed father, you'd better not invite me to be my natural self.Don't risk it....I will not go so far as that myself.I warn you for your own sake.Well, the rest is still plunged in the mists of uncertainty, though there are people who'd be pleased to describe me for you.Imean that for you, Pyotr Alexandrovitch.But as for you, holy being, let me tell you, I am brimming over with ecstasy."He got up, and throwing up his hands, declaimed, "Blessed be the womb that bare thee, and the paps that gave thee suck- the paps especially.When you said just now, 'Don't be so ashamed of yourself, for that is at the root of it all,' you pierced right through me by that remark, and read me to the core.Indeed, I always feel when I meet people that I am lower than all, and that they all take me for a buffoon.So I say, 'Let me really play the buffoon.I am not afraid of your opinion, for you are every one of you worse than I am.' That is why I am a buffoon.It is from shame, great elder, from shame; it's simply over-sensitiveness that makes me rowdy.If I had only been sure that everyone would accept me as the kindest and wisest of men, oh, Lord, what a good man I should have been then! Teacher!"he fell suddenly on his knees, "what must I do to gain eternal life?"It was difficult even now to decide whether he was joking or really moved.

Father Zossima, lifting his eyes, looked at him, and said with a smile:

"You have known for a long time what you must do.You have sense enough: don't give way to drunkenness and incontinence of speech;don't give way to sensual lust; and, above all, to the love of money.And close your taverns.If you can't close all, at least two or three.And, above all- don't lie.""You mean about Diderot?"

"No, not about Diderot.Above all, don't lie to yourself.The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others.And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself.The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone.You know it is sometimes very pleasant to take offence, isn't it? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill- he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offence, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine vindictiveness.But get up, sit down, I beg you.All this, too, is deceitful posturing....""Blessed man! Give me your hand to kiss."Fyodor Pavlovitch skipped up, and imprinted a rapid kiss on the elder's thin hand."It is, it is pleasant to take offence.You said that so well, as I never heard it before.Yes, I have been all my life taking offence, to please myself, taking offence on aesthetic grounds, for it is not so much pleasant as distinguished sometimes to be insulted- that you had forgotten, great elder, it is distinguished!

I shall make a note of that.But I have been lying, lying positively my whole life long, every day and hour of it.Of a truth, I am a lie, and the father of lies.Though I believe I am not the father of lies.I am getting mixed in my texts.Say, the son of lies, and that will be enough.Only...my angel...may sometimes talk about Diderot! Diderot will do no harm, though sometimes a word will do harm.Great elder, by the way, I was forgetting, though I had been meaning for the last two years to come here on purpose to ask and to find out something.Only do tell Pyotr Alexandrovitch not to interrupt me.Here is my question: Is it true, great Father, that the story is told somewhere in the Lives of the Saints of a holy saint martyred for his faith who, when his head was cut off at last, stood up, picked up his head, and, 'courteously kissing it,' walked a long way, carrying it in his hands.Is that true or not, honoured Father?""No, it is untrue," said the elder.

"There is nothing of the kind in all the lives of the saints.What saint do you say the story is told of?" asked the Father Librarian.

"I do not know what saint.I do not know, and can't tell.I was deceived.I was told the story.I had heard it, and do you know who told it? Pyotr Alexandrovitch Miusov here, was so angry just now about Diderot.He it was who told the story.""I have never told it you, I never speak to you at all.""It is true you did not tell me, but you told it when I was present.It was three years ago.I mentioned it because by that ridiculous story you shook my faith, Pyotr Alexandrovitch.You knew nothing of it, but I went home with my faith shaken, and I have been getting more and more shaken ever since.Yes, Pyotr Alexandrovitch, you were the cause of a great fall.That was not a Diderot!

Fyodor Pavlovitch got excited and pathetic, though it was perfectly clear to everyone by now that he was playing a part again.

Yet Miusov was stung by his words.

"What nonsense, and it is all nonsense," he muttered."I may really have told it, some time or other...but not to you.I was told it myself.I heard it in Paris from a Frenchman.He told me it was read at our mass from the Lives of the Saints...he was a very learned man who had made a special study of Russian statistics and had lived a long time in Russia....I have not read the Lives of the Saints myself, and I am not going to read them...all sorts of things are said at dinner- we were dining then.""Yes, you were dining then, and so I lost my faith!" said Fyodor Pavlovitch, mimicking him.