第81章

"I've only expressed my own view," he said."From anyone else, this would have been affected and over-strained, but from you- no.Any other woman would have been wrong, but you are right.I don't know how to explain it, but I see that you are absolutely genuine and, therefore, you are right.""But that's only for the moment.And what does this moment stand for? Nothing but yesterday's insult." Madame Hohlakov obviously had not intended to interfere, but she could not refrain from this very just comment.

"Quite so, quite so," cried Ivan, with peculiar eagerness, obviously annoyed at being interrupted, "in anyone else this moment would be only due to yesterday's impression and would be only a moment.But with Katerina Ivanovna's character, that moment will last all her life.What for anyone else would be only a promise is for her an everlasting burdensome, grim perhaps, but unflagging duty.

And she will be sustained by the feeling of this duty being fulfilled.

Your life, Katerina Ivanovna, will henceforth be spent in painful brooding over your own feelings, your own heroism, and your own suffering; but in the end that suffering will be softened and will pass into sweet contemplation of the fulfilment of a bold and proud design.Yes, proud it certainly is, and desperate in any case, but a triumph for you.And the consciousness of it will at last be a source of complete satisfaction and will make you resigned to everything else."This was unmistakably said with some malice and obviously with intention; even perhaps with no desire to conceal that he spoke ironically and with intention.

"Oh, dear, how mistaken it all is!" Madame Hohlakov cried again.

"Alexey Fyodorovitch, you speak.I want dreadfully to know what you will say!" cried Katerina Ivanovna, and burst into tears.

Alyosha got up from the sofa.

"It's nothing, nothing!" she went on through her tears."I'm upset, I didn't sleep last night.But by the side of two such friends as you and your brother I still feel strong- for I know you two will never desert me.""Unluckily I am obliged to return to Moscow- perhaps to-morrow-and to leave you for a long time- and, unluckily, it's unavoidable,"Ivan said suddenly.

"To-morrow- to Moscow!" her face was suddenly contorted; "but-but, dear me, how fortunate!" she cried in a voice suddenly changed.

In one instant there was no trace left of her tears.She underwent an instantaneous transformation, which amazed Alyosha.Instead of a poor, insulted girl, weeping in a sort of "laceration," he saw a woman completely self-possessed and even exceedingly pleased, as though something agreeable had just happened.

"Oh, not fortunate that I am losing you, of course not," she collected herself suddenly, with a charming society smile."Such a friend as you are could not suppose that.I am only too unhappy at losing you." She rushed impulsively at Ivan, and seizing both his hands, pressed them warmly."But what is fortunate is that you will be able in Moscow to see auntie and Agafya and to tell them all the horror of my present position.You can speak with complete openness to Agafya, but spare dear auntie.You will know how to do that.You can't think how wretched I was yesterday and this morning, wondering how Icould write them that dreadful letter- for one can never tell such things in a letter...Now it will be easy for me to write, for you will see them and explain everything.Oh, how glad I am! But I am only glad of that, believe me.Of course, no one can take your place....

I will run at once to write the letter," she finished suddenly, and took a step as though to go out of the room.

"And what about Alyosha and his opinion, which you were so desperately anxious to hear?" cried Madame Hohlakov.There was a sarcastic, angry note in her voice.

"I had not forgotten that," cried Katerina Ivanovna, coming to a sudden standstill, "and why are you so antagonistic at such a moment?"she added, with warm and bitter reproachfulness."What I said, Irepeat.I must have his opinion.More than that, I must have his decision! As he says, so it shall be.You see how anxious I am for your words, Alexey Fyodorovitch...But what's the matter?""I couldn't have believed it.I can't understand it!" Alyosha cried suddenly in distress.

"He is going to Moscow, and you cry out that you are glad.You said that on purpose! And you begin explaining that you are not glad of that but sorry to be- losing a friend.But that was acting, too-you were playing a part as in a theatre!""In a theatre? What? What do you mean?" exclaimed Katerina Ivanovna, profoundly astonished, flushing crimson, and frowning.

"Though you assure him you are sorry to lose a friend in him, you persist in telling him to his face that it's fortunate he is going," said Alyosha breathlessly.He was standing at the table and did not sit down.

"What are you talking about? I don't understand.""I don't understand myself....I seemed to see in a flash...Iknow I am not saying it properly, but I'll say it all the same,"Alyosha went on in the same shaking and broken voice."What I see is that perhaps you don't love Dmitri at all...and never have, from the beginning....And Dmitri, too, has never loved you...and only esteems you....I really don't know how I dare to say all this, but somebody must tell the truth...for nobody here will tell the truth.""What truth?" cried Katerina Ivanovna,and there was an hysterical ring in her voice.

"I'll tell you," Alyosha went on with desperate haste, as though he were jumping from the top of a house."Call Dmitri; I will fetch him and let him come here and take your hand and take Ivan's and join your hands.For you're torturing Ivan, simply because you love him- and torturing him, because you love Dmitri through 'self-laceration'-with an unreal love- because you've persuaded yourself."Alyosha broke off and was silent.

"You...you...you are a little religious idiot- that's what you are!" Katerina Ivanovna snapped.Her face was white and her lips were moving with anger.