第187章

'There was one thought about this time which caused me unutterable grief and shame,perhaps more shame than grief.It was that my father,who was gone to heaven,and was there daily holding communion with his God,was by this time aware of my crime.I imagined him looking down from the clouds upon his wretched son,with a countenance of inexpressible horror.When this idea was upon me,I would often rush to some secret place to hide myself;to some thicket,where I would cast myself on the ground,and thrust my head into a thick bush,in order to escape from the horror-struck glance of my father above in the clouds;and there I would continue groaning till the agony had,in some degree,passed away.

'The wretchedness of my state increasing daily,it at last became apparent to the master of the school,who questioned me earnestly and affectionately.I,however,gave him no satisfactory answer,being apprehensive that,if I unbosomed myself,I should become as much an object of horror to him as I had long been to myself.At length he suspected that I was unsettled in my intellects;and,fearing probably the ill effect of my presence upon his scholars,he advised me to go home;which I was glad to do,as I felt myself every day becoming less qualified for the duties of the office which I had undertaken.

'So I returned home to my mother and my brother,who received me with the greatest kindness and affection.I now determined to devote myself to husbandry,and assist my brother in the business of the farm.I was still,however,very much distressed.One fine morning,however,as I was at work in the field,and the birds were carolling around me,a ray of hope began to break upon my poor dark soul.I looked at the earth and looked at the sky,and felt as I had not done for many a year;presently a delicious feeling stole over me.I was beginning to enjoy existence.I shall never forget that hour.I flung myself on the soil,and kissed it;then,springing up with a sudden impulse,I rushed into the depths of a neighbouring wood,and,falling upon my knees,did what I had not done for a long,long time-prayed to God.

'A change,an entire change,seemed to have come over me.I was no longer gloomy and despairing,but gay and happy.My slumbers were light and easy;not disturbed,as before,by frightful dreams.I arose with the lark,and like him uttered a cheerful song of praise to God,frequently and earnestly,and was particularly cautious not to do anything which I considered might cause His displeasure.

'At church I was constant,and when there listened with deepest attention to every word which proceeded from the mouth of the minister.In a little time it appeared to me that I had become a good,very good,young man.At times the recollection of the sin would return,and I would feel a momentary chill;but the thought quickly vanished,and I again felt happy and secure.

'One Sunday morning,after I had said my prayers,I felt particularly joyous.I thought of the innocent and virtuous life I was leading;and when the recollection of the sin intruded for a moment,said,"I am sure God will never utterly cast away so good a creature as myself."I went to church,and was as usual attentive.

The subject of the sermon was on the duty of searching the Scriptures:all I knew of them was from the liturgy.I now,however,determined to read them,and perfect the good work which I had begun.My father's Bible was upon the shelf,and on that evening I took it with me to my chamber.I placed it on the table,and sat down.My heart was filled with pleasing anticipation.I opened the book at random,and began to read;the first passage on which my eyes lighted was the following:-'"He who committeth the sin against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven,either in this world or the next."'

Here Peter was seized with convulsive tremors.Winifred sobbed violently.I got up,and went away.Returning in about a quarter of an hour,I found him more calm;he motioned me to sit down;and,after a short pause,continued his narration.