第5章

That was the preliminary problem I had to solve; I have not solved it to this day.What am I? I am a great gentleman, walking through the world with dauntless heart and head erect, scornful of all meanness, impatient of all littleness.I am a mean-thinking, little-daring man--the type of man that I of the dauntless heart and the erect head despise greatly--crawling to a poor end by devious ways, cringing to the strong, timid of all pain.I--but, dear reader, I will not sadden your sensitive ears with details I could give you, showing how contemptible a creature this wretched Ihappens to be.Nor would you understand me.You would only be astonished, discovering that such disreputable specimens of humanity contrive to exist in this age.It is best, my dear sir, or madam, you should remain ignorant of these evil persons.Let me not trouble you with knowledge.

I am a philosopher, greeting alike the thunder and the sunshine with frolic welcome.Only now and then, when all things do not fall exactly as I wish them, when foolish, wicked people will persist in doing foolish, wicked acts, affecting my comfort and happiness, Irage and fret a goodish deal.

As Heine said of himself, I am knight, too, of the Holy Grail, valiant for the Truth, reverent of all women, honouring all men, eager to yield life to the service of my great Captain.

And next moment, I find myself in the enemy's lines, fighting under the black banner.(It must be confusing to these opposing Generals, all their soldiers being deserters from both armies.) What are women but men's playthings! Shall there be no more cakes and ale for me because thou art virtuous! What are men but hungry dogs, contending each against each for a limited supply of bones! Do others lest thou be done.What is the Truth but an unexploded lie!

I am a lover of all living things.You, my poor sister, struggling with your heavy burden on your lonely way, I would kiss the tears from your worn cheeks, lighten with my love the darkness around your feet.You, my patient brother, breathing hard as round and round you tramp the trodden path, like some poor half-blind gin-horse, stripes your only encouragement, scanty store of dry chaff in your manger! I would jog beside you, taking the strain a little from your aching shoulders; and we would walk nodding, our heads side by side, and you, remembering, should tell me of the fields where long ago you played, of the gallant races that you ran and won.And you, little pinched brats, with wondering eyes, looking from dirt-encrusted faces, I would take you in my arms and tell you fairy stories.Into the sweet land of make-believe we would wander, leaving the sad old world behind us for a time, and you should be Princes and Princesses, and know Love.

But again, a selfish, greedy man comes often, and sits in my clothes.A man who frets away his life, planning how to get more money--more food, more clothes, more pleasures for himself; a man so busy thinking of the many things he needs he has no time to dwell upon the needs of others.He deems himself the centre of the universe.You would imagine, hearing him grumbling, that the world had been created and got ready against the time when he should come to take his pleasure in it.He would push and trample, heedless, reaching towards these many desires of his; and when, grabbing, he misses, he curses Heaven for its injustice, and men and women for getting in his path.He is not a nice man, in any way.I wish, as I say, he would not come so often and sit in my clothes.He persists that he is I, and that I am only a sentimental fool, spoiling his chances.Sometimes, for a while, I get rid of him, but he always comes back; and then he gets rid of me and I become him.

It is very confusing.Sometimes I wonder if I really am myself.