第14章 儿时(As a chlid)(9)

我前面有说过,我是比较早熟的,那个时候,奶奶还在,我每天陪她看电视剧,什么谍战片,古装剧的,所以中国汉字我在小学前就了如指掌了,还记得儿时的我看过一篇文章叫做《黑发底下》让我悲痛无比!父亲如书,我是他的再版。从头到脚,我们神奇地保持一致。像是隔着上下三十年的同一个人。

都顶着一头坚硬的黑发,它仿佛含有铁质,根根向上,挺立如戟。抬手轻轻拍打,会发出稠密结实的“嘭嘭”声,像电流穿透掌心击中身体。在我们个体生命的海拔上,它高高在上,乌黑茂盛,像潜藏在大地深处的煤一样不说话,我们在它底下日复一日地生活着。

小时候,我们一家日子过得紧巴巴的。一到星期五,天麻麻亮,父亲就独自一人趟着露水,一根扁担挑起两只箩筐,走上弯弯山道,到几十里外的深山里去挑煤来烧。傍晚踏着夕阳,挑了满满两箩筐煤回家,正赶上吃晚饭。母亲给他准备一只杏儿大小的杯子,盛满酒,父亲端起酒,贴近唇边轻抿一下,仿佛浑身的困乏与疲惫就被这杯酒解除了。母亲就在这时瞥见了他黑发中躲来躲去的几根白发,惊呼道:“哎呀,你都有白头发了。”说着,她拨开发丝,小心翼翼地拔下,摊到父亲掌中。

那白发蓼寥几根,躺在父亲掌心,枕着纵横的掌纹,银光闪亮,像是会发光的羽毛。

南方的冬夜沉静如石,落入幽深漆黑的古井中,漫长而冷清地守望黎明。天难得地飘起了,越飘越大,压在银杏枝头,不时可以听见树枝清脆的断裂声。狭窄的厨房里,头顶一豆灯光,炭炉傍墙站立,烧壶沉默不语,散发淡淡的热量。我们一家围炉取暖。父亲注视着我和弟弟,就像牧人盯着两只可爱的羊羔羔,问道:“你俩谁给我拔白头发?一根一分钱。”正在打瞌睡的我们顿时来精神了,抢着拔。

父亲的白发不多,稀稀疏疏地像微薄的雪花撒入广袤的黑土地,倏忽拧身捉迷藏似的躲了起来,在灯下实在不容易寻找到。每拔到一根,我们都像发现新大陆似的,溅起一片响亮的欢呼。一晚上下来,收获并不多。

然而,明明头天晚上拔光了,可是,过了一夜,父亲的白发又蹿出了一些,似乎拔的速度总也撵不上蹿的速度。一到晚上,无所事事的我们还是乐意给父亲拔白头发,我们只是觉得自己长大了,父亲坐着,我们站着,我们与父亲一样高了。一个个冷寂无聊的冬夜很快蹑手蹑脚地溜走了,我和弟弟同时分享着一个心照不宣而且自鸣得意的秘密。

等我们都上学了,父亲不再叫我们拔白头发了。生活的困窘和难以排遣的忧愁日渐沉重地压迫着他,他的白发越生越多,几乎占据了“半壁河山”,一眼望去,触目惊心。我想他除了怕耽误我们的功课外,可能连他自己都泄气了,听任那些白发喧嚣地恣肆疯长。

后来,父亲被病魔缠身,惊心动魄的手术后,就是不停地吃药、打针,各种治疗。有时候父亲斜靠在病床上,双眼微闭,我觉得他仿佛又回到了年轻的时候,坐在那里,用手轻轻地拍拍头发,发出“嘭嘭”的声音,这声音把一切嘈杂和烦恼都给隔离了开来。但是,事与愿违,他的头发很快就掉光了,露出了空荡荡的头皮,一根不剩地失去了他无比珍爱的头发,他不得不戴上帽子。不知道为什么,我竟觉得掉了头发的父亲是丢了羽毛的孔雀或凤凰,在人群间有些落寞。

有一天,我忽然提起儿时拔白头发的事,父亲一愣,马上孩子似的笑了,瘦削的脸颊上猛地腾起了两片火烧云,沉浸在对往事的愉悦回忆中,良久,才慢悠悠地说:“那时,你俩真淘气,老是拔了黑发糊弄我。”

秘密像包袱被父亲轻描淡写地抖开,我有些无地自容。在岁月面前,一天天变老的父亲曾束手无策,试图借助剔除白发来抗拒生命的一次次落雪,赶在大雪封山以前挽留住某些悄悄远行的记忆,这很像一个农夫靠铲掉杂草来保护庄稼的成长。可我们顽皮的行为却在加速岁月流逝的脚步,我们以帮凶和同谋的身份与父亲鲜明对立。

今天这个日子,在父亲积雪一样飞速消融的生命海拔上,我多么想为他种下一头黑发让他重新骄傲地穿过人群,像煤被阳光点燃。

但岁月如流水,匆匆逝去,不舍昼夜,无法回头。第五自然段,让我伤心无比:南方的冬夜沉静如石,落入幽深漆黑的古井中,漫长而冷清地守望黎明。天难得地飘起了,越飘越大,压在银杏枝头,不时可以听见树枝清脆的断裂声。狭窄的厨房里,头顶一豆灯光,炭炉傍墙站立,烧壶沉默不语,散发淡淡的热量。我们一家围炉取暖。父亲注视着我和弟弟,就像牧人盯着两只可爱的羊羔羔,问道:“你俩谁给我拔白头发?一根一分钱。”正在打瞌睡的我们顿时来精神了,抢着拔。因为他们在这么恶劣的环境下,还是那么开心温暖,我也想有一个这样的家,其乐融融的,真好!

As I said before, I was precocious. At that time, my grandma was still with me and I accompanied her to watch TV series, spy films and costume dramas every day. Therefore, I knew Chinese characters well before I was in primary school. Father is a book, and I am his second edition. From head to toe, we are magically consistent. It's like being the same person for 30 years.

They all wore hard black hair, which seemed to be made of iron, rooted and erect as a halberd. The gentle slapping of the raised hand would produce a dense, solid “whopper,“ like electric current going through the palm of the hand and hitting the body. At the altitude of our individual lives, high above us, dark and lush, silent as the coal that lurks in the depths of the earth, we live beneath it day after day.

When I was young, our family lived on a tight budget. On Friday, when it was still light, my father would wade through the dew alone, carry two large baskets on a pole, and go up the winding mountain road to carry coal for burning in the mountains dozens of miles away. In the evening at sunset, carrying two baskets full of coal home, just in time for dinner. His mother prepared him a glass the size of an apricot and filled it, and his father took it and sipped it close to his lips, as if it relieved him of his weariness and weariness. Just then his mother caught a glimpse of a few gray hairs lurking in his black hair and exclaimed,“Oh, you've got white hair.“ As she spoke, she pulled away her hair, carefully pulled it out, and spread it in her father's palm.

A few grains of white hair, lying in the palm of my father's hand, with horizontal and horizontal lines under the pillow, silver shining, like shining feathers.

The winter night in the south is as quiet as a stone, falling into the deep dark ancient Wells, watching for the dawn long and cold. Days rare to float up, more and more, pressure in the ginkgo branches, from time to time can hear the crisp breaking sound of the branches. In the narrow kitchen, there was a lamp overhead, the charcoal stove stood near the wall, the kettle was silent, emitting a faint heat. Our family warmed themselves around the stove. My father looked at my brother and me as a shepherd looks at two little lambs, and he asked,“Who will pull out my gray hairs, you two? A penny.“ We are dozing suddenly to spirit, snatching pull.

Father's white hair is not much, sparse like meager snowflakes scattered into the vast black land, suddenly twisted hide like a hide-and-seek, it is not easy to find under the lamp. Every pull to a, we are like discovery of a new continent, splash a loud cheer. One night, not much to gain.

However, it was clear that the night before, but after a night, father's white hair quickly out of some, seems to pull out the speed of the total can not catch up with the speed of up. In the evenings, we were still happy to pull out the grey hair for our father, but we just felt that we had grown up. Our father was sitting, we were standing, we were as tall as our father. The cold, dull winter nights crept swiftly away, while my brother and I Shared a secret we knew and felt proud of.

By the time we were all in school, my father would no longer call us white. The embarrassment and sorrow of life oppressed him day by day, and his white hair grew more and more, almost occupying “half of the mountains and rivers“. I thought he might be discouraged even by himself, in addition to his fear of delaying our lessons, and allow his white hair to grow noisily and wantonly.

Later, father was sick, after a heart-stopping operation, is to keep taking medicine, injections, all kinds of treatment. Sometimes my father leaned over the bed, his eyes closed, and It seemed to me that he was a young man again, sitting there, patting his hair, making the noise that separated all the noise and trouble. But, contrary to his will, his hair soon fell out, revealing an empty scalp, and he had to put on his hat because he had lost all his precious hair. I don't know why, but I thought my father who had lost his hair was a peacock or a phoenix who had lost his feathers, and I felt lonely among the crowd.

One day, when I suddenly mentioned the matter of pulling out white hair as a child, my father suddenly smiled like a child and two flaming clouds suddenly rose up on his thin cheeks. He was lost in the pleasant memories of the past and said slowly,“At that time, you were so naughty that you always pulled out the black hair to fool me.“

I felt ashamed when my secret was lightly shaken off like a bundle by my father. In the face of the years, the old father was helpless, trying to resist the fall of life by removing white hair, in order to catch the snow before the mountain to retain some of the memory of the silent journey, much like a farmer by shoveling weeds to protect the growth of crops. But our naughty behavior is speeding up the passage of time, we as accomplices and complicit identity and father in sharp opposition.

On this day, at the altitude of my father's life which melts as fast as the snow, How I want to plant a black hair for him and let him walk through the crowd with pride again, like coal lit by the sun.

But year after year, like water, in a hurry to pass away, do not give up day and night, unable to turn back. The fifth part makes me very sad: the winter night in the south is as still as a stone, falling into the deep dark ancient Wells, watching for the dawn long and cold. Days rare to float up, more and more, pressure in the ginkgo branches, from time to time can hear the crisp breaking sound of the branches. In the narrow kitchen, there was a lamp overhead, the charcoal stove stood near the wall, the kettle was silent, emitting a faint heat. Our family warmed themselves around the stove. My father looked at my brother and me as a shepherd looks at two little lambs, and he asked,“Who will pull out my gray hairs, you two? A penny.“ We are dozing suddenly to spirit, snatching pull. Because they are in such a bad environment, or so happy warm, I also want to have such a home, happy and harmonious, really good!

前にも言ったように、私は比較的早熟で、あの時、おばあさんはまだいて、私は毎日彼女に付き添ってテレビドラマを見て、どんなスパイ映画、時代劇のため、だから中国の漢字は私は小学校の前ですべて知り尽くして、まだ子供のころの私を覚えていて「黒髪の下」という文章を見て悲しいです!父は本のようで,私は彼の再版である。頭から足まで、僕らは不思議に一致していた。上下三十年ぶりの同一人物らしい。

硬い黒髪をしている。鉄を含んでいるかのように、根を伸ばしている。軽く手を上げると、稠密でしっかりした「プンプンイ」という音がして、掌に電流が流れて体に当たってしまう。私たち箇人の生命の海抜の上で、それは高くて、黒々と茂って、大地の深い所に潜んでいる石炭のように話をしないで、私たちはその下で毎日毎日生活しています。

子供の頃,私たち一家は暮らしぶりが厳しかった。金曜日になると,父は一人で露を見に行き,てんびん棒でザルを二匹担いで,曲がりくねった山道を歩き,数十里先の山奥へ石炭を担いで来て,熱を上げた。夕方には夕陽を踏んで,かごいっぱいの石炭を担いで帰って,ちょうど夕食に間に合った。母はあんずほどの大きさのカップを用意して酒を盛ったが、父は酒を持ち、唇に近付けて軽く結び、全身の疲れが解消されたような気がした。その時、お母さまは、黒髪の白髪の何本かに眼をやって、「あら、もう白髪があるのね」と驚いておっしゃった。そう言って髪をかきわけ、大事そうに抜くと、父親の掌の中にひろげた。

白髪はまだ幾本も生えていて、父の掌に横になって、縦横の掌紋を枕にしている。

南方の冬の夜は石のように静かで、深くて暗い古井の中に落ちて、長くて寂しい夜明けを見守っていた。日は珍しく漂って、ますます大きくなって、銀杏の枝の頭に圧しつけて、時折木の枝の軽快な断裂の音が聞こえます。狭い台所で、頭の上に電灯がつき、炭の炉の傍に壁が立っていた。我々一家は囲炉裏で暖を取った。父は私と弟を見て、まるで牧夫が2匹のかわいい羊の子羊を見て、尋ねました。一本一銭」居眠りをしていた私たちは、気が抜けた。

白髪は少なく、雪の花のように薄黒い土地にちらついていたが、急に隠れん坊のように隠れようとしたので、明かりの下でなかなか捜しようがなかった。一本抜くたびに、私たちは新大陸を発見したような大きな歓声を上げた。一晩で降りて来て,収穫は多くない。

しかし、一日前の晩に抜光したはずなのに、一夜を過ぎると、父の白髪がまた出てきて、抜光の速度もなかなか追いつけないらしい。夜になると、何もしていない私たちは喜んで父の髪の毛を抜いて、私たちはただ自分が大きくなったことを感じて、父は座って、私たちは立って、私たちは父と同じくらいの背の高い。静かで退屈な冬の夜が足音を忍ばせて逃げていった。僕は弟と同時に、胸がどきどきし、自慢の秘密を共有していた。

私たちが学校に行ってから,父はもう私たちに髪の毛を抜くように言わなくなった。生活の困窮と紛らわしさが日に日に彼を圧迫して、彼の白髪はますます増えて、ほとんど「半分の河山」を占拠して、ちらっと見て、目を驚かした。私たちの勉強が遅れるのではないかと思って、自分でも気落ちして、白髪の騒ぎ立ててむやみやたらに長い。

その後、父は病気に冒され、スリリングな手術を受けた後、薬や注射など、さまざまな治療を受けてきた。ベッドに斜めになって目を閉じていた父が、若い頃に戻ってきたような気がして、そっと手で髪を叩き、プンプンイと音を立てた。その音がすべてのざわめきや悩みを隔離していた。しかし、望みとは裏腹に、彼の髪の毛はすぐに抜けてしまった。空っぽの頭皮が現れ、大切な彼の髪の毛を一本残らず失い、彼は帽子を被らなければならなかった。私はなぜか、髪を落とした父が羽根をなくした孔雀や鳳凰であることを、人々の間で少し淋しがっていた。

ある日突然、私が子供の時の白髪の話をした時、父はきょとんとしていたが、すぐ子供のように笑い、ほっそりとした頰にさっと火のような雲を立てて、昔の楽しい記憶に浸っていた。

秘密は風呂敷包みのように父に軽く説明された。歳を前にして、日に日に年を取っていく父はかつて途方に暮れて、白髪を取り除いて生命に抵抗する1回の1回の落雪を取り除くことを借りて、大雪の封山する前に何かのこっそり遠い行を引き止めた記憶、これは1人の農夫が雑草をすくい取ることによって作物の成長を保護するのと似ている。しかし私たちの腕白な行為は歳月の流れを加速させ、私たちは幇助と同謀の身分で父と鮮明に対立している。

今日のこの日、父の雪のように急速に溶けていく生命の海抜の上で、私はどんなに彼のために黒髪を植えて彼に改めて誇りを持って人込みを通り抜けさせて、まるで石炭の日光に点火します。

しかし、月は水を流すようで、慌ただしく逝去して、昼夜を捨てないで、引き返すことができません。南の冬の夜は静かで石のようで、深くて暗い古井の中に落ちて、長くて寂しいのは夜明けを待つ。日は珍しく漂って、ますます大きくなって、銀杏の枝の頭に圧しつけて、時折木の枝の軽快な断裂の音が聞こえます。狭い台所で、頭の上に電灯がつき、炭の炉の傍に壁が立っていた。我々一家は囲炉裏で暖を取った。父は私と弟を見て、まるで牧夫が2匹のかわいい羊の子羊を見て、尋ねました。一本一銭」居眠りをしていた私たちは、気が抜けた。彼らはこのような劣悪な環境の下で、まだそんなに楽しくて暖かくて、私も1つのこのような家があって、和気あいあいとして、本当にいいです!

내가앞서말한적이있다,나는좀일찍,그때할머니가계시기에나는매일본드라마를본적이있고,본드라마를본적이있고,본드라마를본적이있기때문에중국한자는초등학교전부터알고있었다.어린시절나는'흑발아래'라는글을읽은적이있어나를비통하기이를데없었다.부친은책과도같아서,나는그의재판이다.머리끝에서발끝까지우리는신기하게도일치했다.30년차이라는한사람과같다.

그것들은모두굳고검은머리를엇박고있었는데마치철성분이들어있는듯상반신을상반신을상반하게솟구쳐올랐다.손을들어가볍게툭툭치면조밀하고단단한탕탕소리가난다.마치전류가손바닥위를뚫고몸을때린것같다.우리의개체생명은해발높이에서높이올라앉아땅속깊은곳에숨어있는석탄처럼무성하며우리는그밑에서하루하루살아간다.

어릴때,우리가족은빠듯하게지냈다.날이어둑어둑해지자,아버지는멜대하나에광(주)리두개를들고구불구불한산길에올라십리바깥의깊은산속에서석탄을길어다가태웠다.저녁에석양을밟아광(주)리두개를짊어지고집으로돌아오고,마침저녁식사중이었다.어머니는살구만한컵을준비하여술을가득내려놓았고아버지는온몸의곤로와피로를풀듯가볍게입술에접근했다.어머니는바로이때그의검은머리카락속에서몇가닥의백발을힐끗보고놀라며외쳤다.“어머나,당신은벌써흰머리가났군요!““이렇게말하면서,그녀는머리카락을헤집으며조심스럽게뽑아서,아버지의손안에부쳤다.

백발은아버지의손바닥에누워종횡으로뻗은수문을베고있으며은빛이반짝여빛을내는깃털처럼보인다.

남방의겨울밤은깊디깊은깊은우물에떨어지면서기나긴쓸쓸히려명을기다린다.하늘도모처럼흩날리며점점커지다가은행나무가지에눌려지면부러지는소리가간간이들려온다.좁은주방의머리위에는콩불같은불빛이있고,숯불을쪼고벽옆에섰는데,주전자를굽는동안아무말도하지않고,옅은열량을발산하고있다.우리가족은난로를둘러싸고따뜻하게했다.아버지는동생과나를지켜봤다.양치기사람이새끼양두마리를노려보듯이물었다.한푼이라도.“졸고있는우리는정신이번쩍들어서서둘러뽑았다.

아버지는흰머리가드문드문흰눈송이처럼넓디넓은검은땅에내려앉았는데어느새몸을풀어숨박꼭질하듯숨어서등잔불을찾기가쉽지않았습니다.하나나올때마다신대륙발견처럼엄청난박수가쏟아졌다.밤새내려와서많은수확이없었다.

하지만,분명히전날밤에다뽑았지만,하룻밤을새웠는데,아버지의흰머리카락이또얼마간튀어나왔다.뽑다보니,속도는아무리뛰어날라도따라잡을수없을것같았다.밤이면하는일없이우린기꺼이아버지의머리를뽑아버린다.우리는단지우리가다컸다고생각한다.아버지는앉아있고,우리는서있다.우리는아버지만큼키가크다.(키케로,노력명언)적막하고지루한겨울밤은슬그머니빠져나갔고,나는동생과함께이심전심의흐뭇한비밀을나누어가졌다.

우리가모두학교에들어간후에,아버지는다시는우리에게흰머리를뽑으라고하지않으셨다.생활난과좀처럼달래기힘든근심이나날이그를짓누르고있었다.백발이점점늘어날수록그는'반벽하산'을다차지하고있었다.내생각에그는우리의공부에지장을줄가봐그러는외자기마저맥을잃은것같다.

그후아버지는병마에시달리며수술을끝내고약을먹거나주사를맞고치료를받았다.가끔아버지는병상에비스듬히기대고두눈을감고있다.나는그가젊을때로다시돌아가그럴듯하게앉아머리를가볍게두드리며“탕탕“하는소리를들려모든번잡함과고민을떨게했다.그러나희망과는반대로그의머리카락은아주빨리허전해져허수아비의두피가드러났고더없이아끼던머리카락을하나남겨놓지않아그는부득불모자를써야했다.나는머리가벗겨진아버지가깃털을잃어버린공작새혹은봉황이라는생각이들면서사람들속에서다소적막하고쓸쓸하였다.

어느날,내가어렸을때흰머리를뽑았던얘기를갑자기꺼냈는데,아버지가벙긋이웃고,금세어린아이처럼웃더니,앙상한두볼에불구름이일었다.옛추억에흠뻑젖은나는한참만에야비로소유유히말했다.“그때너희둘은정말장난이심했었다.

비밀이아버지의보따리에얼렁뚱땅넘어간것같아나는무엇하다.세월앞에서늙어가는아버지는속수무책이였다.흰머리를제거함으로써생명을막아낼수있는눈송이를얻기위해눈이막혀버리기전에조용히먼길을가는것을만류하는데이는한농부가잡초를제거함으로써농작물의성장을보호하는것과같았다.하지만우리의장난이심한행동이세월을재촉하고있다.우리는공범과공범으로부친과극명하게대립하고있다.

하얀눈처럼스쳐가는아버지의삶의해발고도를나는오늘,그가다시한번자랑스럽게사람속을누비며석탄처럼밝히는검은머리를길러주고싶었다.

그러나세월은흐르는물과같이흘러가고주야를멈추지않아돌이킬수없다.제5자연단락에서나는비할바없이상심하였다.남방의겨울밤은깊디깊은깊은우물에잠기여기나긴쓸쓸히려명을바라보고있었다.하늘도모처럼흩날리며점점커지다가은행나무가지에눌려지면부러지는소리가간간이들려온다.좁은주방의머리위에는콩불같은불빛이있고,숯불을쪼고벽옆에섰는데,주전자를굽는동안아무말도하지않고,옅은열량을발산하고있다.우리가족은난로를둘러싸고따뜻하게했다.아버지는동생과나를지켜봤다.양치기사람이새끼양두마리를노려보듯이물었다.한푼이라도.“졸고있는우리는정신이번쩍들어서서둘러뽑았다.왜냐하면그들은이렇게렬악한환경에서도이렇게행복하고따뜻하기에나도이런집이있었으면하고싶었는데화기애애하고좋다!